I have been in debate about if and how I write this post. I would never want anyone to think that we for a second forget how lucky we are to have a rainbow pregnancy, it took us two years to get here and many times we came close to giving up hope. However in all that time I don’t believe we were ever prepared for how hard a rainbow pregnancy is.
Not the physical side, for me I seem to be lucky and pregnancy seems to agree with me, I have little to no sickness to contend with and my body just seems to go along with the changes. But a rainbow has a huge emotional toll.
We started this pregnancy with as much positive thinking as we could muster. I kept saying to myself that, worrying won’t change if this baby stays or not so I may as well enjoy every day whilst I have it, but as we get further along and closer to our due date it becomes increasingly harder. It has turned into endless nights tossing and turning, questioning when the last movement I felt was, worrying trying to remember if at any point today I have knocked or hurt my precious bump.
The late night hospital trips when he hasn’t been moving are the worst. I sit in the car and dread what might happen, preparing yourself for those words again just in case. Luckily every time it has always been good news but I can never explain how emotionally draining it all it. We often don’t talk about these hard times because we don’t want to burden others. Everyone else is so excited and we need them to be, we don’t want everyone to have to experience these scares or feelings like we do. We need everyone around us to be full of positivity to keep us going when we don’t have any.
I have at points spent hours at night running every scenario in my head of what could go wrong, what would we do differently this time, if it all went wrong. The rational day time me can usually push these thoughts away, knowing they are counter productive, and positive thinking really is the only way to go. But 2am me isn’t rational, 2am me is the demon that allows these thoughts time to take over my brain and drain my emotions. See for me, a rainbow pregnancy is about being aware that there is always the chance of 2 outcomes.
As much as we plan for our future, we talk as if sure it will happen I know we are both on edge, the slightest mention of an issue and we are both alert, we don’t talk about it but it’s there. When I look back in the last 30 weeks I’m not actually sure I can recall a single conversation where we have spoken as if he will actually come home. We talk about the practical stuff, we talk about pregnancy but never have we dared to talk about what having him here will really be like. Because we are scared, scared to dream and to imagine we still are just living one appointment to the next I think.
I love this baby with all that I have, as much as I love my Leela, and I guess in a way I am glad for what we have, we know how precious this baby is, every milestone we hit now feels like we have climbed Everest. But there is a thing of too much knowledge, it leads to worry about new issues you never knew before, you are heightened to potential dangers you wish you never knew about. It is hard sometimes to think rationally and remember that most pregnancies end well, we are in the minority that we have experienced otherwise. At the end of day all we can do is to take this a day at a time.